


These thoughts they keep me up all night

by Panicatwonderland



Category: Uncharted (Video Games)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Rafe is not dead, Talking, What am I doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 18:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8338585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panicatwonderland/pseuds/Panicatwonderland
Summary: Nathan Drake is a legend. You know I shot the guy who told me this.Sam is lost in his thoughts and decides to talk about some of it with Rafe.





	

"I don't know," Sam mumbled as he shifted in the expensive lounge chair Rafe bought them a while ago.   
"I kinda always saw myself as the good guy, you know." He exhaled and looked out of the giant window that granted him a view to the rose garden Rafe owned but hardly ever took a look at.   
Rafe let out a huff. "There are no good guys, Sam. We're all messed up in one way or another. That's just reality."   
Sam nodded lightly, switching his drinking glass from one hand to the other, then he looked directly at the younger man in front of him, who stared right back. "How many people have you killed, Rafe?"   
Rafe raised his eyebrows in surprise and let out a small humorless laugh, he broke the eye contact and directed his gaze at the ground.  
"Three." He then said after a pause. "I killed three men in my life. I bet you thought it was more than that, huh?"  
Sam didn't answer and when the silence between them grew heavy, Rafe decided to continue. "I shot one, I strangled another, and well you know about Vargas... The one I shot, I..."   
He cleared his throat. "You know it was not long after.." He took a deep breath. "After everything happened. In Panama I mean. It was, I can't even tell exactly anymore, maybe five years after that? I had just spent half of my fortune to buy that damn St. Dismas Cathedral. I spent all of my time, searching, running into dead ends over and over again... I felt useless and like I needed help in some way or another and since Nathan left..." Rafe cleared his throat once more, adjusted his seat.   
"Well, I found this guy, who seemed promising. We were talking about everything I had found so far, discussed where I didn't have any leads anymore and then he asked me, with whom I had worked with before."   
Sam saw Rafe clench and unclench his fist, unconsciously, he thought, Rafe doesn't even know he does that.   
Only when Rafe began to speak again, Sam noticed how eerily silent it was in the grand house, they were staying in. The electric fire didn't make any sound and Sam found himself wishing that it did.   
"So I told him. I told him almost everything, but he wouldn't listen. All he heard was 'Nathan Drake' and his eyes went all big and shiny."   
Rafe swallowed hard, pushed his hair back. "He didn't even bother to ask. Didn't even care that there was another Drake. Another Drake who just had fucking died."   
He wet his lips quickly. "He just said: ' You worked with Nathan Drake and couldn't find the treasure'? And I just... It all just came back, you know. I just saw you, right before my eyes, falling off those damn prison gates, coughing up blood... And I was... I was SO angry, Sam. Angry at... Nathan. Angry at the fact, that you just HAD to save him, didn't you? You just had to let him take the lead. You cared about him so much, you didn't even bother that you fell behind and you... Didn't care about me." Rafe tried to stop himself from a shudder, but Sam noticed it anyway.   
"Well the guy continued to talk about the fact that, he probably couldn't help me find the treasure, if Nathan Drake couldn't. And then he said: 'Nathan Drake! He is a freaking legend!' And I just... lost it. I had packed a gun that day, in case anything went south with the negotiation and I remembered it being in my pocket and I... Didn't even think, I couldn't. It just overflowed. Everything. So I took my gun out and shot that guy right in between his fucking eyes." Rafe bit his lips as he said the final words and then took an angry sip from his glass of whiskey.  
Sam let out a sigh and took a sip from his glass, too. It was strong, probably all kinds of exquisite, but it just tasted like ordinary liquor to him.   
"The funny thing is," Rafe said suddenly in a hushed voice. "In that moment it felt like the best thing I had ever done up to that point. No suppressing myself, no control, nothing. I didn't fear punishment, I knew my father would get me out of this and he did. But right after the first few seconds, I felt horrible. Worse than ever, more... monstrous... than ever." He looked up to Sam, there was no shame in his eyes.  
They were getting pretty good at this talking thing, Sam thought, then he said: "You know that's the difference, though, I don't even know how many people I killed. I can't even remember why in some cases. They were in the way, they were a threat to Nate, all o' that stuff, but in the end, they didn't matter to me. I can't remember their faces."   
As he spoke he didn't break eye contact with Rafe. The younger one let out a noise and Sam couldn't tell if it was humor or disbelieve. "And yet I thought, I was somehow the good guy. I thought I had a reason, y'know and if the reason was good enough..." He stopped, feeling his eyes tearing up, the liquor must have finally gone to his head. "But I'm good at that aren't I? Telling myself I'm doing bad stuff for a good reason."   
He smiled sadly and took another sip.   
"I'm sorry." He finally said, looking at Rafe again. "I'm sorry I betrayed you and Nate and... Hell everyone I know..."  
"So is that why you been acting like this lately? Were you thinking about your life's mistakes? There is no use in that."   
Sam couldn't make out any emotion in Rafe's voice or face, he nodded slowly, tried to take another swing of the glass but noticed that he had emptied it already. "I'm sorry." He said again. "I wish I could-"   
"Don't even start, Sam. It's done. You can't change it. You have to live with it." While Rafe's word seemed harsh, his face was soft, forgiving. Sam knew, the younger man loved him unconditionally and he didn't understand how he deserved those feelings.  
Rafe got up, went to the kitchen and turned when he realized, Sam wasn't following.  
"Come on, Sam. Let's go to bed. Stop thinking."   
When Sam got up, he tried to give Rafe a smile, but it somehow got stuck somewhere.  
Rafe didn't get it.  
They were so close, after everything and still he didn't get it.   
Sam felt horrible. He didn't deserve to live with Rafe in his mansion, didn't deserve that Nathan called him once a week to check on him. He also didn't deserve the Job in Nate's Company, he got him because no one else wanted to hire a seasoned Ex-Prisoner.  
I'm useless, he thought, a burden.  
Sully didn't call him once after they last parted ways when Nathan had been able to leave the hospital ( and then came back to comfort Sam, who tried to keep sane while praying for Rafe to make it, too ).   
Maybe he knew Sam. Better than anyone else. Sully had never trusted him fully and Sam began to think, that he was the only one who could see right through him.   
A liar. Not to be trusted.  
When Rafe kissed him and whispered, "Stop thinking." into his ears again, Sam felt his heart sink even lower.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!  
> So if anyone is confused by the story, I kind of have ideas for what happened before and after this scene happened.  
> I don't know if I should write it, though.  
> Anyway, thank you very much for reading!!  
> If you find any mistakes ( which are likely, since English isn't my first language ) fell free to tell me, so I can correct them.


End file.
